Imagine the saddest you have ever felt, perhaps due to the loss of a loved one. That is how sad I feel at the smallest upset. It can quickly spiral out of control and make me feel like self-harming, or more extremely, thoughts of suicide whirl around my mind. I used to self-harm by making superficial scars on my arms with sharp objects (I was too much of a wuss to go deeper - which is a good thing as it has only left me with a very faint scar on my left forearm). Now, it tends to be a stockpiling of pills that turns into a potentially dangerous cocktail when I feel like I can't stand the emotional pain any more. I just want to numb or knock myself out, which is what differentiates it from a suicidal overdose. I have attempted suicide on a number of occasions, sometimes half-heartedly, wanting to be saved; and at other times with a deadly mission in mind. The latter usually happens when I go onto the acute wards, which is why being hospitalised is a bad thing for me. The desperation escalates when in there, with me finding ligature points anywhere and everywhere that they have been overlooked - even on the PICU (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit). My latest attempt in the community was trying to drown myself in a boggy lake - which I very nearly succeeded at. All I remember is the row of torch lights from the police on the bank, and the kindly officer shouting "Don't put your head under the water!" As if I was trying to, I was struggling against the boggy base of the lake, being sucked under. If I hadn't moved to the bank when I did, I'd have drowned.
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| the lake where I almost drowned |
Now imagine the happiest you could ever feel - perhaps you'd passed your exams and gained your degree, perhaps you were holding your child for the first time, maybe you'd won a prize - that's how I feel when someone gives me a compliment. I feel absolutely on top of the world. Until someone criticises (even constructively) and my world starts to fall apart again, spiralling into the darkness.
Impulsivity is a big problem for me. However it is usually strongly associated with suicide, and it says in the diagnostic criteria that it must be distinct from self-harm or suicide to be ticked as a symptom. However, I do find myself leaping at the opportunity to do something, then find my dedication petering out, and my desire to do the task fizzles away, I even dread it. Take for example my recent impulsive decision to run the Cardiff Half Marathon for charity. I felt a true hero when I signed up, feeling I had plenty of time to train. However, my laziness and lack of dedication got in the way and I have barely trained. I'm no natural runner either, and I'm a size 16(UK)! Now I'm absolutely dreading it...13 miles - I know I'll be walking most of it. And, to top it off, I haven't even got many sponsors as I was too lazy to organise the forms. The same goes for my Gold Duke of Edinburgh's Award - my motivation to do it has fizzled out. I'm just hoping my wish to volunteer at my local hospital as a ward befriender doesn't fade away into nothingness either.
Lack of a stable identity has been a big problem for me...but that's improving since I moved out of my parents house. I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but I feel enmeshment was a big issue there. My identity was wrapped up in hers, I didn't know who I was. Now I have stable values. First and foremost, evangelical Christianity is my faith, and I know what I think about various doctrinal issues, which shapes my worldview. I believe, for example, in micro-evolution say of viruses, but not in macro-evolution. I believe we were created as humans, and not evolved from primates. This also helps me to feel special and wanted in society, as I believe I was created for a purpose in this life. What that is, I am yet to discover, but I like to reminisce on something I said to my Mum when I was just seven years old; "Mum, I think I've discovered my purpose in life....to be kind!" That's as true now as it was then. If we can't be kind to people, what's the point in living? It helps to create stable and cohesive community relationships.
Speaking of relationships, I have great trouble interpersonally. My sensitivity and "black or white thinking" makes me see people as "all good" one moment, and "all bad" the next. Don't get me wrong, this has improved in past years, as I try to reason with myself and remind myself that everyone has good and bad qualities. That applies to myself equally, who I have the most trouble seeing as anything but pure evil. That has to do largely with the next symptoms I'll discuss, but as for relationships, you can forget anything romantic. I'm heterosexual yet I avoid men like the plague because I'm afraid of them seeing the evil in me and then proceeding to abandon me. I don't do rejection and criticism well at all. I always, always feel like the odd one out, like the jigsaw piece that doesn't quite fit. This has caused a few problems at my carers' house as when family come over, I disappear for hours on end as I feel awkward and like I'm not wanted and don't belong. I either hide away in my room or sneak out of the house. Part of me knows, and hates to admit, that I *do* crave attention and so I disappear so that people will worry and focus on me for a while. Just saying that has made me feel incredibly shameful and dirty, like it's evil to do so. I don't know why I seek attention like this, because my mother used to give me a lot - it's not like I was ever missing out.
Finally, I have psychotic experiences. Or psychotic-like as the psychiatrist says, as they're not fully resembling psychosis. I hear voices of demons telling me things like I'm stupid, or ugly and that I deserve to die. Very often, they speak my darkest thoughts out loud. It's as if they can read my mind. Recently, these experiences have worsened - I started by feeling an immense, paralysing fear, and this developed into me seeing shadowy figures out of the corner of my eye - this then became darker, and I started seeing just part of a horrendous demon's face. This demon is an incubus - they appear in a male form, wanting sex with whoever they prey on. I have even felt its fingers dancing all over my body in a lustful, expectant way. It's both horrifying and terrifying at the same time. It has been making me feel so dirty that I've been frequently washing my sheets. I have, as a result, been given the antipsychotic quetiapine (Seroquel) as a PRN, only 25mg, to try and calm me down when I see and feel it. It's not working. My usual antipsychotic Aripiprazole (Abilify) is also doing naff all to prevent this from happening, which confirms my suspicions that it's an evil entity and not a psychosis. Well, why wouldn't something evil prey on me? As I said above, I am pure evil.
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| Incubus |
Well, for me, the above is what BPD is. Feel free to ask any questions. Follow me on Twitter @bpd_warrior
